illegal,immoral,impossible, just my style. (digitalmeowmix2) wrote,
illegal,immoral,impossible, just my style.


So I have been gone a long fucking time, but last year was really fucking horrible so I didn't feel like talking.Between having no job for 2 years running and being to scared and lazy to go back to school, and having crippling depression and anger issues and feeling hopeless, and then losing my lifelong beloved cat and soul mate Dominos( my last real entry that no one even commented on BTW... /bitter) last year changed my life in ways that I hate but probably needed, it gave me a sucker punch in the gut that woke me up and ended on New Years Eve when i went to a neighborhood party and as I counted down to midnight I looked over at my parents and said "This year... back to school, get a job and a ampartment, and try to start dating , I promise this "

(it was probably a bad omen that 2008 was going to be a shitty year when the NYE before was happening no one at the party including me saw the ball drop because I had accidentally let out the other family's dogs and we all ran through the snow up and down the street trying to catch them)

I have started on this promise , My first semester at UMass Lowell I took one class and aced it. In the fall I plan on returning and taking two classes.... baby steps.I'm also starting a new program with my disability counselor that will get me out of the house to socialize and exercise more, my uncle Rick will be my personal chauffeur and bring me to the gym weekly and to volunteer opportunities and to fun stuff like book clubs an and dance classes and out to eat.

This year has not been without its struggles, the day after Father's day my only living grandparent, my Grandpa Bud, one of the few people in the world that was never angry or disappointed in me, who called me his angel because I was his first grandchild and gave my a teddy bear when I was born that I still have on my bed to this day, died in the hospital of liver failure , after having his left leg amputated from a horrible infection that left him in excruciating pain unable to walk for weeks. He had been getting sicker for months, and he was very old( I think 95?). He had good long life, he fought in WW2, raised to boys, was widowed twice. He was wasting away and wanted to die with dignity, so he requested them take him off dialysis. He died with his sons holding his hands saying their goodbyes and praying for him. I was able to say goodbye, I stood near his body and gave a tearful speech about what he meant to me, how much he had changed my life, while i clutched my teddy bear. My missing him is tinged with relief that he is no longer in pain. I'm going to live my life to the fullest and try my hardest because that is what he would have wanted and to make him proud

On to lighter topics! I have a new pink Dell laptop now, and I promised myself that i would interact more when I got a new computer that wasn't a 10 year old piece of shit that recently died on me for about the 100th time, so here I am. Oh flist i love this laptop so fucking much, I can play Youtube and flash games again because it doesn't lag! It doesn't freeze 5 times a day and need rebooting about every couple days! the keyboard is not covered in food and dust and all the keys work! I actually did so real writing yesterday! I haven't written in literally years, all these stories are just in my head like movies I play over and over and daydream about,so i have a good backlog of stuff to write.I also installed the Sims 3 and am thinking about joining WOW. I'm also going to try vidding! I always vid in my head while i listen to music anyway.

So that's whats going on with me up with me, I'm going to try to be more involved in LJ and fandom and make friends around here more often. So if i actually start commenting on your entries and posting more often I will probably need to be reintroduced so....

Hi, nice to meet you, My name is Caroine/Jade/Kitty and I'm starting over again.

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